In approximately two hours time (where I am), it’s going to my birth date. I’ll like to think I’ll have a lot of calls by twelve, but I know that is not going to be the case.
I want messages flooding my whatsapp, wishing me a happy day, but I know it isn’t going to be so.
I want people using my picture as their display pictures, but I know it wouldn’t happen that way.
I want people to put my picture on their instagram pages and write long sappy messages on how I’m such a good friend, though annoying, and how I’ve added so much value to their lives, but I know it won’t be so.
Sometimes I wonder. Why don’t I have so much friends? I know the answer to that. It’s hard for me to keep up with people. Having parents who I am tied to for life is enough. I could make the effort, but I really do not think anyone wants the effort. I’ve noticed that if I get attached to someone, no matter how little, I begin to feel like I’m becoming a bug, like I’m forcing myself of people. I don’t like the uncertainty. I’ve never experienced heart break, but when I get close to people, and I start feeling uncertain, that alone makes me want to back away.
Sometimes I just want to be in my room, and be on my own, but that is interpreted as being moody, so I have to come out, and smile, laugh, just so I would be spared when I decide to leave.
Things like that suffocate me. I need my time. I don’t like when pressure is put on me.
I’ll go back to what I was talking about. Birthday Wishes. To be frank, if all the things I listed above would actually happen, I’ll be very overwhelmed, and might just hide away from everybody, but at the same time, I find my self feeling sorry that I don’t have one person that I can vouch for that would actually remember my birthdate.
I don’t understand it. I want it and I do not want it.
I’ve never had a “spectacular” birthdate. If I’m not mad and overwhelmed with self pity, I’m just there, acting like I’m happy though inwardly I’m just sad.
Birth dates have never held meaning to me, and now, I don’t really understand what I want to make of, or want you to make of, from this post.
Whether it’s to see if someone actually gets it, or just so say it out, I don’t know.
Tomorrow is going to be like every other day, and it’s going to be like every other birthdate I’ve experienced.
Early this evening, I was quite happy. At least I wasn’t sad, but now, as it’s drawing very near to my birthdate, it’s all fading away.
I don’t like the empty feeling.
I don’t even understand what this is all about.