This is the third part in the telling of Lexis story. If this is your first time reading, it is Lexi’s recount of her struggle with pornography addiction. I would advise for the readers to be 18 plus, but I know lots below eighteen would still read. Regardless, this is a disclaimer of sorts. Sexual language would be used, so if that’s not something you’ll like to read, this is where you stop.
For those of you who have continued, here are the parts that have been written.
3. Over the time, my level of curiosity peaked. I wanted to find out everything there was to find out. When it was time for reading, it was all I was searching. We had internet service provided for us when it was time to read so we could go check online what ever it was we wanted to clarify when reading.
At first, I checked the Brazzers site, and for a while, let myself be aroused by just the pictures, but it turned out not to be enough. I needed the video, and I had to sign up and pay before I got to watch. I was just a young girl let loose on porn. I had no freaking money.
I went to google and searched for free porn videos. Ah… There was a lot. I’ll refrain from mentioning any more so no one reading this checks their site directly but…google?
Well, I found there were lots of sites to get free porn.
I downloaded and downloaded and downloaded all I could find, and when I believed I was satisfied, I would then continue with my reading. I didn’t use a lot of time on it, because I just downloaded all I could find, but didn’t bother opening it, so I still had time to read, then after prayer, I went to my room, and watched it.
I downloaded close to 30 at a go. I did, but when I got to watching it, sometimes I could only get to five, before I…before I came. Believe me, writing this is hard. It’s so freaking hard. Getting all of your secrets staring at you…
After that, I…I felt so filthy. I was overcame with guilt, and all I wanted was to close my eyes, open it, and wish I never did see it. Wish I never wanted to watch it. Wish I could joke around about it as other girls in my set did.
I begun to wonder if I was the only person that felt this way about it. I could not talk about it.
After the five, I begun to delete. I felt so filthy, so dirty, and I wanted to wipe away every indication that I couldn’t help myself from watching something dirty.
I deleted the whole thirty, and even then, while I stared at the screen, I was having internal battles. The reality of what I did was in my head, and there was no way around it.
I looked around, and slept.
The days, weeks, and months that followed were the same, but this time, my curiosity raised another notch. The usual fuck didn’t hold so much interest anymore. No. It did, but I wanted to view something more.
I got interested in role playing. Boss fucking the secretary, Dad’s friend fucking his friends daughter, coach fucking cheer leader, teacher fucking student, Boss fucking a student, or a teenager, milf fucking her step son, and then, family incest turned me on bad.
While in reading class, I downloaded all I could find, albeit in low quality, because downloading the clear ones took time. They were more bulky, and I didn’t want to waste much time.
Although my reading, I wouldn’t sleep. I’m quite a serious student. Have I told you that? And I like school. I did my reading, but there was no room for me to get bored because at the very back of my mind was the fact that I was going to watch something. Something different.
I stopped opening and just fast forwarding to see what it was all about in order to peak my interest.
When I got back to the hostel, it was all the same. I watched, crazed with excitement, my legs crossed, my face tight, concentrating my mind of the one place that mattered at that time.
After a while, I would uncross my legs, and try to get my mind on something else, while I try to slow down, so that I don’t…don’t come fast (It’s so hard for me to type that word. Come. I don’t think I ever have. I read in this book that coming is different. There’s the clitoral kind of come, and the inside… I can’t explain it. There’s one that is triggered from having real sex, and that one is more intense than the come from touching your clit. I feel real filthy typing this.)
Anyway, I try to slow down, so that I can get through all the videos, because I know what comes after when that relief comes. It’s the bitterness, and I delete all of it, both the ones I’ve watched, and those I haven’t.
And then, sometimes I cant hold it in, then I let go, tighten them legs, get my mind on what’s on hand, and then, with the slightest hesitation, touch my hands to my vagina (hell! I’m not trying to get anyone turned on reading this, and calling my pussy-pussy, feels wrong.
And it’s wet. It’s so freaking wet. I bring my hands to my face, and with the light the laptop bring, I see the clear liquid of my hand. It’s greasy kind of, and I fight the temptation to put my hands in.
I doubted I would find any pleasure in that. Touching my clit was exciting, but I always reached the peak when I crossed my legs best.
I put my hands down again, and this time lick it off my fingers. It’s salty kind of. Different from anything I ever tasted.
I remove my hands and crossed my legs tight as I watched the milf with the big soft breasts. It’s natural I know.
The one that had implants mainly shot out, and when you massaged it, you really couldn’t. But the natural big ones, you’lld know them. I liked the boobs the most. The way the guys suck on ’em.
I felt myself reaching that level, and I ground my teeth, arching my back. I did reach it, and I fell back to my bed, I closed my eyes, and shut the laptop, not ready to face the reality of what was happening to me. I suspected, but it was just months into me watching them. It couldn’t be.