For the ones that are still reading, this story is in parts. Below are the ones before this, to aid for better understanding.
4. Time flew quickly, and I was home for long holiday, to resume to my last year in Senior secondary school. You remember where I was debating with myself at the ending of a former post (you can read it here) where I didn’t want to believe I was addicted since I was still a short time into watching it. By now, I was almost convinced I was, though not all so. I then begun a reward game of sorts. I would stay off it for about a week or two, and I would then reward myself with watching endless videos of pornography after the time of staying off it. I really couldn’t help it. The week I stayed off it, it became somewhat a physical pain, because I really didn’t needed to watch it so much. I could imagine a porn scene, and could jerk off on it. It wasn’t about watching. So staying off it, it consumed me, and waiting for a week to end…
I would read an erotic scene in a romance novel, and it wasn’t any help. I’m not someone who has fun.Fun to me is staying in my room with the lights off, cuddled in my blanket, and reading a novel. A love story.
Back to me being home for the holiday. In a former post in telling my story (you can read it here), I talked about my parents, and how they were the best, and wanted to provide for us anything we wanted that was necessary. A phone was provided for me, but it wasn’t a smart phone. They didn’t see the need it would be. After all I had a laptop already. WiFi was provided at home for any school related research or any research I wanted to conduct online, and it would have being very easy for me to watch porn, but I was afraid.
I cherish my patents so well, and I know they do cherish me as well. However, I hated to dissapoint my parents, and I knew that them finding out I watched porn would be the utmost dissapointment. This was why I didn’t use the WiFi not once, to watch porn, despite it being put on from nine in the morning to nine in the evening. I stayed at home alone, as that time my brother was already in the second semester of his first year. I had the house and WiFi, but I only ever used it when I wanted to do assignments that were given at school, or make non porn related research. I was scared that they would check the history of the WiFi. That they would check sites that have being opened while being connected to WiFi. I didn’t think my parents would actually do that, but I didn’t want to risk it either. This was why every little change I had, it went into buying credits.
Sometimes when they were leaving the could just leave hundred naira at home in case I needed to buy something. There was nothing I needed to buy really. It was just sort of obligatory. Like they couldn’t leave without at least giving me little cash. I would use the hundred naira, or two hundred naira, to buy credit, and subscribe for data, and then watch porn. It usually finished very quickly as I tended to download so much.
I would leave the (this time it was about ten videos at a go instead of the close to thirty I tended to download while in school) videos and then watch them. It became like a recreational habit. Sometimes I watched the videos when I was bored, but would then end up jerking off.
I would leave the videos on my phone for a long while, so I didn’t have to keep downloading, and in turn wasting money. Sometimes, after I had watched a video, and was eaten up with guilt, or had just come back from church and they preached something in relation to the danger of watching pornography, masturbating… I would delete it, and then when I felt the need to watch (it could be the evening of the morning I downloaded it) I would begin to scramble to watch it. If it was late, and I couldn’t go out to get credit, I would pick a romance novel, and jerk off on that one.
It was bad. And I knew it.
You know my former post in this story where I explained that watching plain sex all over became not so interesting anymore. I begun to get turned on as a result of the story behind all of the sex. It could be the same sex, but knowing its a boss fucking the secretary, or coach with a cheerleader, or mum fucking step son, it was enough to turn me on.
I don’t buy the idea of incest personally. I see it as disgusting, but my faculties are not exactly in the right place when I’m watching porn. I begun to get interested in the BDSM kind of porn. I liked to watch the men dominate women, I liked it when the asses of the women turned red when they were spanked, I loved to see cum on their faces. I’m disgusted with all I’m writing of course, but knowing that whoever who knows me that reads this and wouldn’t know I’m the one helps me to be quite open about it.
It got to a time when I would open a porn video, if the story in it didn’t really turn me on, I would go to the ending to see if he spilled his cum on her face. I enjoyed watching group sex, but the core of what I enjoyed was when the ladies knelt in front of the men, and they decorate their faces with their cum.
I didn’t enjoy watching fisting, neither did I like to watch anal. Fisting looked to painful, and even when some ladies vagina were so slack that fists entered in easily, I didn’t like to watch it. For anal, I just saw it as being plainly wrong. We weren’t created that way to have sex there. It was only for one purpose and it should be for that alone.
The holiday was long and unending, but it wasn’t enough time to satiate my curiosity. I was still calling it that. I begun to check online for ways to stop. No. I begun to check online for the dangers. Looking for something that would scare me so much I’ll drop it. I read peoples stories, and most of the ones online were those of married men. I rarely saw the stories on women addicted to pornography, though based on statistics when I checked then, one out of every ten woman was addicted. I saw about the dangers of getting addicted to porn, especially in marriage. You begun to have crazy expectations, mostly because the actors in these scenes have dicks that aren’t real. What I mean by that is that it is overly long. Sure, men are endowed differently, with some being quite long, but most of these actors used stuff. Drugs. Don’t know, don’t care.
Also, it led to no satisfaction, because sometimes you become sort of a sex addict, and your partner doesn’t seem to be able to last as long as these actors do, and several other problems.
I watched YouTube videos where it was explained how the addicton process was, and how much damage it was to the brain, and how it was a lot like heroin, and other addictive substances.
Was it enough to stop me long term?
THIS WEEK’S POST SO FAR.