5. I was very secretive about the fact that I watched porn. I knew I wasn’t the only one who watched. I wasn’t sure there were girls who watched it, though somehow I usually thought there would be girls. I was sure about the fact that guys watched though.
Since I entered S. S 1, the class I begun to know myself, I know I’ve always fantasized about having a guy best friend, and up to S. S 3, the thought was there, though it was just a thought. I did have guy friends, but none I was particularly close to.
I remember opening up to a guy about it. He wasn’t the closest guy friend I have, and the fact that we weren’t so close let me tell him, and I knew he wasn’t one to go tell others. I didn’t tell the one guy I was quite close to because his opinion of me mattered, and while I knew confessing something to him like my watching of porn wouldn’t be a big deal to him, I just didn’t want him to know. Anyway, I didn’t tell the guy I thought I was addicted, I just chipped it in a normal conversation, and that was it. He didn’t get serious on it either.
Something that usually bothered me, was the fact that my mum was a youth leader in the church. She was a youth worker. When situations arose where a youth lady in the church was pregnant, or was following guys, or love letters between youths in the church was found, or there was a program talking about youth vices, she was mostly the one that led.
The church didn’t really like to talk about sex and porn and masturbation and all of that, but it was unavoidable, and sometimes, when they decided to talk to us about it, she was the one that was told to man the message.
When sensitive topics like that were discussed, the guys are separated from the girls, and well, they teach. When things like that happen, I stay at wherever I am sitting, and as I watch her, I think… You have no idea.
How would she cope? Knowing that her own daughter was probably addicted to porn? Sometime ago there was an issue of a youth girl in the church being addicted to porn. I don’t know if they found out, she came out herself, or whatever, but I knew this was going on because when mum was on the phone she spoke about it with her other church leaders, and I couldn’t help but hear. Most times when I hear come to probably the sitting room and she’s having a phone call like that, they are usually very lengthy. I go to my room and busy myself with my phone, and then I think of the time I was considering telling her.
She was my mum after all. Surely she would be understanding… There was just never a way to tell her, and I never tried. I played out circumstances in my head, and none was pretty. I know most of all that she would blame herself. She probably shouldn’t have given me a phone, she should have withdrawn the WiFi, and several other scenarios that tasted bitter in my mouth.
Sometimes I think. If we were normal church goers and my parents weren’t leaders in the church…would I feel more comfortable telling her? I doubt it.
There was a time where I had the dilemma whether I had to confess it to her. I know I needed to confess to God about the sin I was committing, but did mummy need to know? Surely she didn’t. I convinced myself later on, that when I was ready to confess, it was only God that needed to know that bit.
By now I’m already in my second year of university. I’m not looking for a guy best friend, and neither am I looking to have a friend. No one here knows, and it better that way.
Several times when I typed out these writings to give to Esther to post on her blog, I question myself on why I am doing this in the first place, and slowly, as I write the posts to give to Esther, I discovered the reason. I wanted to know if I was really addicted to porn. Agreed, sometimes I watched porn more than was healthy (is there an healthy dosage? 😯), and sometimes I would feel like I just had to watch it to get off because I wouldn’t be able to concentrate if I didn’t, but I found out that I could really go long without it. Writing this also helped me discover that it was only when I was really really bored with nothing to do, that my thought went to it. Sure, if I witnessed a sex scene in a movie, or erotic descriptions in a book I am reading, I may be tempted to watch, but it’s only of I’m really bored of the book I decide to watch it. I am not addicted. I just need to look for some other ways to satisfy my boredom. If you have any ideas, just drop in the comments.
Knowing this isn’t exactly uplifting, as I still have a long way to go in overcoming that particular way I satisfy boredom, but it’s a start. It’s the beginning of new beginnings.
Thank you all for being in this short journey with me. Now, do not fret. I’m still going to be back, though just once. Next week, for the last time.
Thank you for reading. Don’t forget to like, comment, and share.
THIS WEEK’S POST SO FAR
I talk about my mixed feelings with coming home from school as someone who has being away from home since the age of 9. Also a bit of stories about my childhood.
In this generation, questioning what has being the norm for forever since to be the new age. I talk about this in relation to something that happened with myself and my mum.
Where I give my response to the challenge, and of course, say a bit on what’s going on in my life.