​I was so happy this evening, and now I want to…I don’t even know. Okay no I wasn’t happy. I am not freaking happy. I am trying not to think of what happened this evening. No I’m not. 

I hate when I begin to feel freaking pathetic, and I can’t help it. 

When I hear my friends talk about the way they don’t mind if they don’t end up with no body, I know it’s not something I can do. I need someone. Its not in the way by which I can’t function without having someone. I can. I just have to feel like I have someone. 

I…sometimes I think I’m not capable of really liking anyone. 

I just… I’m not even sure how to convey all I’m really feeling right now. 

I don’t talk to people about my business. I don’t talk to girl friends about guy stuff. I don’t have girl friends I talk to those things about, and even if they spoke to their friends about it, I don’t know how to do it. 

It’s why most times, I don’t hide things from guys. If I have a crush on him, after thinking whether it’s alright if I tell him, I do. As a matter of fact, all the guys I’ve actually had a crush on, I’ve told them. It’s not a lot. I like guys, and some are only good to look at. Oh… And I’ve never actively known a guy I’m crushing on. Most of the time, I think it’s the mystery that gets me. 

Anytime I happen to get to know them, the feeling of wanting them dies, and I just then work to avoid them, which is why the distance crushing thing works for me. Infact, I mostly tell them I want nothing to do with them, and I tell them only because most times I want to get my thoughts out and I feel better telling the subject of that thought. 

Most times when I talk to guys, I basically say all that’s on my mind. I don’t pick my words (except this one time where I was looking to impress. It was terrible.). At the end, I might later look at the chat and berate myself, or very well just delete the whole chat (I do this a lot), but at least, once I forget about it, it’s gone. 

I don’t talk to girls about their business, but people like to talk to me…no. Girls like to talk to me about theirs. Probably cause they know I’m not the one to talk about their business, or that I’m an awesome person in generalπŸ˜›, they come to tell me…and you know what? The love complications I am told about is the one where I have something in it… Like I’m probably close to the guy in question, or I like the guy.

See one thing about me. If I can’t tell the guy in question about what’s up, I don’t tell any one. I keep the fucking thing to myself until I forget about it, and while it may take a while, and I might not altogether forget about it, there’s something else that takes my mind off it, later on, and I’m better that way. 

I just wish these ones would stop telling me about their boy problems. 

There’s this guy in my music group who is good looking, and has a lovely voice. I like him. Okay not so so. I probably just like him cause he’s good looking, and he has a lovely voice, because it has happened a lot times where when I get close to them, I would really just want to be their friend, and right now, I feel like I really want to be friends with him. I feel like we’re going to have a good friendship, though I let myself dream, and now, what I want to dream about is me having a crush on him. Now did you understand that? I didn’t say us liking each other. I said…myself having a crush on him. 

Honestly, it’s being such a long while that I had a crush on someone that the mere thought that I might have a crush on someone let’s me be giddy, and for gods sake, I want to feel that “possible” crush, and not let any freaking person crush that feeling. 

I’ll get close to him, and we’ll end up as friends. I know we’re going to end up as friends, but I like the fact that I feel “like” for someone. 

I didn’t want someone to come tell me that she has something to say and she just has to tell someone, and asking me if I can keep secret, then telling me at this party they kissed. Who initiated the kiss? He did. 

Okay I was just down for a bit when I pictured it, but for the most part I thought about how sexy he would look when he was doing the kissing. I know I know. I can’t help it my dear friendsπŸ˜„πŸ˜³… For a bit my mind thought about the… Does he find her more hot than me bit? But my dear friends, I have out grown that, and it’s not about who’s hot or not.  There’s also the part where I don’t really think like like him…,…I guess that was enough for me to know that I must not really have a crush on him, though I still like the fact that there’s someone I’m going to bother with now. Okay of course not. I’m just going to befriend him. And it’s just the first time today that we’re really talking to each other by the way. 

And writing this has actually help me set all of my emotions in perspective. I usually see bloggers say this, but it’s just now I feel it, and it’s a good different. Most times I write for fulfillment, so I like how this is. 

Anyway, that’s it with this post. Thank you for reading πŸ˜›πŸ˜Š

There are people I know who know about this blog, but if you didn’t realize yet, I don’t really care about that. Also, the fact that I don’t make having a blog a big deal, and try to hide it so much, makes them see it as something that’s not worth giving a check.

Thank you for reading once again.